PART 4: Trusting Despite
It’s one thing to trust a God you cannot see with a future you can see, It’s a whole different thing to trust an invisible Being with a future you cant see.
I thought my faith had grown quite a lot from the challenges we have faced as a family and overcome in the recent past. But I was to realize that my faith needed a microscope just to sight it, for was still way smaller than a mustard seed.
As a person I have very few needs, I could easily survive in Kalahari if there was some water to drink and something for my tummy.
But when it comes to my kids I have been raised by parents whose responsibility to their kid’s welfare was unmatched. I guess like every mother out there I just don’t want to meet my kid’s basic needs, I want to meet MORE than their needs. I want to preempt what they need even before they know the need it.
It wasn’t any different during the Covid season.
The fact that you have no resources to do what you need doesn’t remove the desire for that need. Especially when your kids have grown up knowing we have a God that loves us and loves to give us amazing gifts.
We did get help from friends and family but after a short while I got fed up. Not of the help, but of borrowing.
Its either the word of God was true like it claimed or it didn’t. If it was 100% true, then there was something I wasn’t doing right. Now remember we had been in a place of prayer especially with my first born for almost a year now. To kick off this period, I had even undertaken a 40-day Herbal tea, water and cranberry juice fast. At the end of it I looked like a slay queen he he!
I didn’t know how much more we needed to pray!
I was to learn like a friend said to me recently that God is a God of Miracles, But He is also a God of processes. It took David and Joseph years between the dream/Anointing to the actual Appointment.
It’s in a humans microwave nature not to like processes. Instant sort of works better for most of us to be honest, I bet you agree with me!
God was to teach me two great disciplines during this season:
- The art of listening to God, Consistently
- The art of Obedience, Unconditionally
God was getting tired of hearing me yap without listening to what he was saying back to me. Now don’t imagine that I wasn’t hearing. We were getting numerous messages through dreams and visions, Reading the word during personal and family devotions, Listening to Sermons etc.
But God wanted to have real time conversations with me. You can be sure that’s what He wants for you too. He is available 24/7 for all His children!
I was to start a period of “tuning in” like I have never done before.
If you are a thinker like me, you must know at any one time you are having one or two of 7 different wavelengths trying to tune in 🙂
- There is an FM one of your experience
- A short wave one of your Culture
- Another FM from your relative’s voice as you grew up
- A number of extensive Wavelengths from hell!
- A wavelength from educational indoctrination
- A consistent Longwave of fear
- And then there is the still small Voice
Depending on how long you have lived on this earth and how many demons have ever visited you, your mental radio tuner might have lots more problems than mine 🙂
So the process of tuning to God became my main focus: I had lots of time, I have never had so much free time all my life. I would listen during personal devotions, I would listen when I lay in bed to sleep, because sleep had become very slippery!
Initially I could strike an amazing conversation for two minutes before remembering the Movie I saw last night, or the rumor I overheard in the WhatsApp group! I would force myself back for one more minute before remembering I forgot to make an important call, Leave a lone the fact that there was no chance of making a call at midnight.
Then my thoughts would trail to the being in my womb, “Wait!” what if they are twins: I would be exhilarated! Imagine carrying a pregnancy once and being rewarded twice….
Some days I succeeded, Others I failed. I started teaching the kids to listen to God as well during family devotions. There was even more drama here. On asking what they had heard after 5 minutes I would get:
- I heard the Aero plane!
- I remembered a scene in minecract!
- I heard a song
- I heard nothing
- I saw an angel
It wasn’t in vain! We were getting somewhere. They were their mothers daughters!
The few times I managed to listen carefully I got amazing instructions, and wisdom to figure out situations like I would never have had in my lostfulness.
Yet I was to learn a different lesson:
When the Lord speaks to us, he expects ultimate obedience. His word to us is not a suggestion, Its basically an instruction, and we have obey fully in order to harvest the benefits of being in this divine relationship.
The Journey of obedience was even longer, and is still on going. But I learnt when He said “Caroline you need to get on your knees and pray” I shouldn’t ask Him why he couldn’t just do it without me having to praying.
When He told me to call and apologize for a wrong I hadn’t done, I shouldn’t ask Him why he couldn’t pass the same message to my offender. I understood when he said rest, I didn’t delay by to calculating how much more needed to be done. When he said “Be still and Know I am God” I didn’t continue to complain how bad my situation was.
It was a time of learning, I was an “expectant student”
I was to realize that I had received a triple blessing. The Gift of the growing little African in my womb, The Gift of Covid and the painful Gift of Lockdown!