This Thing Called Marriage
(ep 02)
As I walked out of our gate deliberating which route to take, I strongly heard the words of Philippians 4:6 replay in my head…
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”
…Prayer walks for me are usually very therapeutic, and I so I decided I could talk to God. Now when it comes to my business with God, I dont really care who thinks I am nuts, I pray aloud! It has probably developed over the years due to the need to concentrate and focus on one thing at ago instead of 50! Of course when I get too close to someone I shut up or pretend I am singing….or pray while singing!
Taking the word of God literally I split my prayer into three:
1. To cast away anxiety
2. Give thanks to God
3. Present my request to God
I started by declaring that I would not be anxious over anything, not my financial needs, not my sisters situation, not the delay in releasing the book, not the fact the guest of honor had not confirmed his presence. I would only think positive. As long as I was speaking to the Lord I declared a clear mind free of negative influences.
We normally have a Friday miracle service at House of Grace Embakasi and I went in to see pastor Mary two hours before. I wanted to ask George to come with me but I though he would feel bombarded since he didn’t even know what was going on in my mind in the first place!
We had a great time and I explained to her why I had wanted to see her. She is normally a keen listener and though I could see she was completely exhausted she listened to me asking some questions in the process. I am glad I did because she took me right back to the beginning of our relationship, right before marriage.
We analysed my relationship with my husband and very soon realized the reason I was burning up earlier had nothing to do with the 1000K sh. It had everything to do with an overdue unresolved conflict.
Previously we could never argue about anything without quarreling (We are both extremely honest, and in saying what we exactly think we tend to hurt each other), but of late being the one that gets angry quickly I had told myself that as long as I dont making him angry, he cant make me angry.
So I had decided that I would make sure I edit my words seriously so that I could not annoy him, in doing so I had stopped communicating how I was feeling but the problem was that hot magma was building up inside of me.
I then started giving thanks. Initially I wanted to do this quickly as a procedure since the holy spirit seemed to insist! But I was there for a long long time! I was there for so long that I had to tell myself to stop and now tell the Lord my petitions. While giving thanks I suddenly started thinking of how blessed I really was. That even if the book had not been released, I had managed to finish writing and published it.
That was the bigger step. And even without the book, the Lord had brought opportunity to minister in platforms I could never imagine being in: Mega churches in Nairobi, radio stations amongst others. I thanked God for the blessing of life and a second chance, of a husband and children, of our business….and I went on..
Finally I had to present my petitions and they seemed so minor! So minor I was done in half a minute! and to add in, I felt so much joy and I was no longer anxious. I decided there was no need to see my pastor anymore. Just as I was deliberating on that, She called in, she had already set aside sometime for me, so I decided I could still talk to her anyway, although I felt sorted now.
Pastor and I did a self analyses of me and she advised me that for every weakness the Lord points about me (today was anger) I take time, seek the word especially what it says about the same and pray and destroy it completely amongst other advises. As I left the office all I wanted to be was a better person, a better Christian and a better wife! I had to start serving deeply, thats the only way I could guarantee greater closeness to God, I wasn’t there yet, I know it!
For some reason I could not concentrate in the service as my mind was a twirl of activities. The need to serve came in me more strongly than it had done for a long time. I had realized for the 6 moths we had moved to this church that it would be impossible for me to operate in the schedule of the worship team since most of them were youngsters and flexible and being a mother of 4, and running businesses, I may not manage the tight practice and actual praise and worship sessions. It also meant attending both services per Sunday and precisely getting to church on time before the meetings for prayer and practice. I felt I would disappoint the leader Mercy who was very strict so I had kind of given up for now after attending two practice sessions.
But right there in the miracle service I was seeing a window of opportunity. Most Fridays when we came to church, there is usually no one to lead praise and worship. One Friday pastor Mary had to lead the worship herself! So in my mind I got this brilliant idea! I could talk to another recording artist and our friend: Em. I remembered last Sunday he had asked us “When will we join the praise and worship team?” I dont know why Em hadn’t joined the worship team as yet but I figured out that if I could sell the idea to him and George, we could ask the pastor to give us Friday services only. And may be Sundays and tuesdays when the worship team would want to take a break. This way we could practice on our own convenient times. as well, we could have the chance of doing what we loved most and when we were established and comfortable we could join the main worship team.
“Let me tell you something” He interjected , “one thing I know is that we made a mistake. we shouldn’t have been as vocal as we were the last day we went for practice, as far as I noticed the team was very positive to all our comments. But we should have been humble and not become teachers before learning”
Right there was a potential beginning to a 3rd world war!
I was offended!
The only reason I was suggesting we have our own day was because I didn’t want to repeat that Saturdays scenario.
Hadn’t I just said that? Was was his point now?
“Let me tell you, we are the problem and not the worship team” he went on all in the wrong direction. He clearly mis understood me (At this point I am sure you have also no idea was I was actually saying!). Note that for all the ‘we’ he put, my mind was screaming ‘you’ It was me he was clearly criticizing, he was just using the ‘we’ so that I wouldn’t take offence.
I knew what I wanted to say but I didn’t seem able to bring it out. he had understood what he had and he stuck to that.
What happened after that is a story for another day, but to cut the long story short, by the time we got home it was like a whirlwind, somehow it had come back to the fact that he had refused to run business with my sister. I was so angry, I told him my mind, stomped out of the car and banged the door, and went back to our house.
So I couldnt wait to tell my loving hubby this great idea as we left the service: which we left feeling very cheerful! I was hesitant though because I knew these are some of the ideas he calls ‘sudden inspirations’! So I was very careful on how I was approaching the topic of communication. If he didn’t get it right, I could as well forget about it.
“I have this great idea” I started, hoping he would get as excited as I was about it.
“Sema” He prodded, to give credit to him, he totally believes in me and always wants to listen to what I have come up with (and this happens all the time!)
“I was thinking, since it may be too much for the worship team to accept all the comments we give them during practice, then maybe we and Em could ask to be given our own day to lead worship” I went on, clearly starting on the wrong footing. George hates negativity, and immediately goes on the defense of someone if he thinks you are badmouthing them.!
“Based on experience” I tried on, because I could see his face was not lighting up, so clearly he didn’t get my point ” being a professional musician means you may either want to be in a established band and if its a growing team, you may want improvement. Since its rude to come in talking too much, you may be forced to just be there and not enjoy the experience”
Now let me tell you: George hates anyone walking out of him, and especially in the middle of a conversation, but then, I didn’t care what he hated or loved. I was done! He was so selfish, He was bad, I mused under stifled breath…..you would think I was talking of the devil incarnate!
After I got back to the house he remained in the car for two straight hours, I dont know what he was thinking, and I didn’t care for the 1st two minutes!
Then God started dealing with me. He took me on for a second self analyses in the day. I found a checklist on personality check in marriage and very quickly remembered that both my hubby and I had a wounded past.
For him it was suffering abandonment at childhood and for me it was failed and abusive relationship as an adult. We both are very protective of our cover so that we do not get hurt again. But God prodded me to the fact that He only could change George, so its me He was interested in today. I was a work in progress, I had a long way to go.
I had too much hatred inside of me, I was carrying burdens of people that had hurt me in the past, and even though I told myself that I had forgiven them it wasn’t true.
I was still an angry girl, I was carrying in me a lot of anger from my past.
My husband was not the only victim of my outbursts, my family and friends had experienced it as well. The latest victim being my brother just a few weeks ago. What is it that made me so angry and vocal when I though someone didn’t care about me, or they are looking down on me? I agreed with the Lord, I was still a work in progress. All I could pray then was that the Lord molds me. I am the clay and He is the potter!
Potter….mmmh!
There was my answer, what if the Lord hadn’t brought George in my life to make me happy but to make me a better person, and most importantly make sure I went to heaven. What if the purpose of marriage is not happiness but righteousness? I suddenly realized that the Lord was truly molding me, and in doing so He was using the people closest to me: and the nearest of them was the love of my life. It hurts, its hurts bad, it hurts when it is him that has to point out my wrong attitudes, it hurts when it is him that criticizes me.
While I was so angry at George for putting breaks into my life thus slowing me down, I realized I should thank him for preventing me from making a fatal accident of my life once more.
By the time I was done with this realization he came, quietly played with the kids, ate and retired early to bed (Very odd of him) I was on the computer for two hours after that and I realized what I had done. I was still angry with him for some of the crude things he had said to me in anger but I had to let go if I was to work in obedience to God.
So I went up to our bedroomed, sat on the edge of the bed for the longest time thinking whether I should do it. Finally I managed. I took the bed cover off his head, and softly planting a kiss on his lips told him I was sorry. Immediately I burst out laughing. It was the child in him up again! You see beside our sibling like fights with George, we are the best of friends. And more than me he hates it when we are not in talking terms. His smile as he patted my face and told me it was okay was worth a million dollars. And there and then were the age old play mates all happy again!
As I retire to bed today, I have to ask myself what I really want in life. I know there are several areas of unresolved issues in our lives that will keep coming up, until we resolve them. But like pastor Mary had told me earlier in the day: we need to know how to solve them amicably without using weapons of mass destruction! This was just a day in our lives, many have gone past, many more will be coming. I could only pray that I will be wiser by day, knowing the treasure God has placed in my life in the name of George Bongo. The only one man to me who behaved like God himself, for he gave me a second chance in life!
Author . Musician . Blogger
Caroline nkirote-Bongo